Letting go of expectations

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Last weekend, I was sitting on the lounge talking to my mum, and I mentioned the guilt and shame I was carrying about a future event. The rain was coming down heavy, the flames in the fireplace were licking up its glass door… I sipped some tea, and then I caught myself – I caught my thought! I had a made-up expectation about a future situation that was simply not true. My mum confirmed this for me once I told her about it. (Thanks Mum!)

‘Catching a thought’ is a phrase I use a lot in my work and in life. It refers to seeing a thought with some objectivity and checking in to see whether it’s useful or not. This helps you manage any unhelpful thinking habits, and ultimately helps your thoughts support you for the better.

One of the unhelpful thinking patterns I’ve become aware I have, over the years, is based on the idea that people have ‘expectations’ of me. This creates a lot of unnecessary worries – like the ones I was having sitting on that lounge with Mum.

I have a pattern of telling myself, ‘My family have expectations of me. My colleagues have expectations of me. My friends have expectations of me’. Perhaps it’s a hangover from always wanting to please, perhaps it’s the shadow side of wanting to serve others… perhaps it’s just an overactive mind that does a lot of imagining! Whatever the reason, when I catch this type of unhelpful thinking, it’s an opportunity for me to check and test whether it’s true or not.

I consider questions like these:

• ‘What do my family expect of me in this situation?’
• ‘What do my colleagues expect from me on this day?’
• ‘What do my friends expect of me this time?’

What this typically reveals is that the answers are just made up in my head – they’re not true, nor real. So it serves me to ‘catch my thoughts’ and check them whenever I can.

This is part of serving yourself so you can better serve others.

If you have expectations you’re striving to meet, you need to know – is the expectation fair to you and fair to the other person? If the answer is no, then it’s an opportunity let go of that expectation and show up with no story in mind. Ahhh… Feeling lighter already!

Question

What expectations do you have of yourself for those you serve? Are they fair and are they true to you and to them?

Practice

Practise catching your thoughts. Notice the thoughts that best support you and the ones that are not so helpful. Examine them and see whether you can let go of ideas and stories that are unhelpful.