Thanks for what you didn’t say

I was recently in a cafe run by a friend. At one point when there was a quiet moment, I could see he looked tired so I asked him what was going on.  It turned out there was a lot!  He’s working 7 days a week. His younger sister was in a massive car accident. His father needs return to Iran. On top of this his tenant has stopped paying rent.  Any one of these situations alone is stressful.  Together they were keeping him anxious all day and awake at night.  As he talked, I mostly listened.  I asked a few questions.  And after several minutes he said to me, “Thank you so much for not saying, ‘It will all be fine’ or ‘It will all get better soon.’  I just don’t need to hear that right now.” 

Think about that for a second.  He thanked me for not saying reassuring things.  But isn’t that what we’re supposed to do – jump in quickly with our most brilliant advice or an inspiring pep talk?  

Maybe not.  

Former IBM CEO Sam Palmisano credits his leadership success to a skill scientists describe as active listening. “I learned to listen by having only one objective: comprehension…I wasn’t listening to critique. I wasn’t listening to object. I wasn’t listening to convince.” 

He makes it sound simple, right?  But in truth this is a high-level skill. At ServiceQ we call what Palmisano and other great leaders do so well “Listening to Understand.” It’s one of our core Service Habits. And it takes consistent practice.  Why?   Because our busy brains look for shortcuts by measuring any incoming information against our past experiences and spitting out predictions based on what we already know!  Sounds efficient, right?  But the noise of our past experiences might drown out important new information that can help us understand what our struggling mate – or our valued customer – really needs.  In the case of my friend, he didn’t need advice or reassurance.  He just needed me to listen. 

What do your customers need that you might be missing?  What do your employees and colleagues need?  

“Listening to Understand” can make a huge difference in the quality of your relationships with your colleagues and customers.  So here are some practical tips to get started.  

• At the beginning of the conversation, take a few slow, easy breaths to clear your mind. 
• Put away any distractions and give the person speaking your full attention. 
• If there is a pause, wait a beat or two.  Give the person time to continue speaking or to just reflect in silence. 
• Use questions to check your understanding, restating something the person said to make sure you really heard and understood what’s most important to them.  

Practicing these skills can improve your leadership skills, organisational culture, and customer relationships.  Also, scientists say training your brain this way can improve your memory, cognitive function, and emotional regulation.  As an added bonus, you might just make someone feel truly understood.  

Written by – Jennifer Crescenzo